doggosource:

damn, i really stayed off this for two yrs since my last post even if it was unintentional, just forgetting about this website. funny how i resolved to make the most of those two years, even changing my url and sht to maybe aid in that, yet having ended up making the biggest mistake of my life. the first year was amazing, and the other year was defined by that one big fuckup. 
its never that easy i suppose.
regardless, im still standing after this time albeit maybe in torn clothing and a few more yards added to my gaze. there were improvements ofc, and im doing better for myself than i ever was but ill still be in the shadow of that one mistake for a long time.
i wasnt going to, but ill keep this url to remind myself of that. 
i guess im back. if it werent for you bringing it up again i dont think i would have considered writing once more. i didnt think i could write bc i saw life differently for the longest time. but after thinking that for the third time i realized thats just the most bullsht excuse i could have ever thought of. things dont need to be fluffed up, but that doesnt mean it needs to be cynical either. also conflicting desires to show ppl my writing but not to anyone that knows me. this is impossible for me and im ok w that a little more

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12/19/15

i ended school pretty strong considering everything. I didn’t expect I would make it this far in such condition. looking back at my old posts those truly were some time times haha. But currently I have a lot of things going for me now. The most important thing is that I can’t become complacent. 

Don’t become complacent. 2 years. Let’s kill it in these two years.

I keep coming back periodically to this website telling myself that i’ll write. But really now, I’m trying to make it a habit to help my mind flower. I feel that I used to be so creative when I let my thoughts wander and spill out on to the screen. And my math heavy major has definitely taken its toll on my writing skills haha it’s sad to say but I can’t even spell for shit now hahahaha. At least i can math somewhat now haha

Honestly I fell to a couple of vices, but I am stronger now. Let’s not become complacent. My biggest fear is becoming cocky and letting the worse parts of me take over and misdirecting me from the person I know I can be.

Here’s to the next two years of growth. Cheers! :-)

i never realized what depression was until today aha. 

10 days. ten more days by avicii. i dont think  it was a coincidence that I heard that song today. I’ll be listening to it every day until my midterm. make it or break it. just ten more days.

im fucking dissapointed in myself
i feel like a fucking failure
my entire life ive been so cocky about everything and this is the first time where i’ve been truly tested and can’t measure up.

out of anything i hate being a burden the fucking most

im not in the right mindset to be a good friend for those i love, and to be the kind of person i want to be for michelle

i just hate feeling this subpar 

i will fucking change. this feeling. is the fucking. worst. 

i have to be 

the best i can fucking be

this time i will not fucking forget. 

sunday before midterm, michelles birthday in 13 hrs

i will make the most of this day. 3.54 am. 1 shot cmo 

words from a stressed college boi

although im a lot more ambitious now, i realized somewhere along the line that i’ve lost much of my creativity and spark for life. i don’t think the things i say are as genuine anymore except when it relates to the people important to me. actually i think this entire paragraph is just representative of my mindset right now. im in a rut and i need to get out!!

im going to write things again just to help me work things out. this is truly one of the most important periods of my life, and im just so grateful for being here, realizing that I can change for the better. it’s also probably going to be the most challenging period of my life so far, which is funny considering spring 2k15 hahaha

i can do this. and i know that everyone i love can also succeed because we all support and love each other. this is an unorganized mess but i think i’ll just let the thoughts flow every time whenever im on here

honestly i know im fucking stressed out right now and i know when i get back to a calm state of mind that this will be all words from this moment in time. where nothing really makes sense and where im just confused about everything. 10/17/15 two days before my midterm and a day before michelles birthday l00l liFE

Errors in Thinking that Create Anxiety

onlinecounsellingcollege:

1. All-or-nothing thinking: Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground (“If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”)

2. Overgeneralization: Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever (“I didn’t get hired for the job. I’ll never get any job.”)

3. The mental filter: Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives. Noticing the one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right.

4. Diminishing the positive: Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“I did well on the presentation, but that was just dumb luck.”)

5. Jumping to conclusions: Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader (“I can tell she secretly hates me.”) or a fortune teller (“I just know something terrible is going to happen.”)

6. Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst-case scenario to happen (“The pilot said we’re in for some turbulence. The plane’s going to crash!”)

7. Emotional reasoning: Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel frightened right now. That must mean I’m in real physical danger.”)

8. ‘Shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’: Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do and beating yourself up if you break any of the rule

9. Labeling: Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings (“I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”)

10. Personalization: Assuming responsibility for things that are outside your control (“It’s my fault my son got in an accident. I should have warned him to drive carefully in the rain.”)

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm